If I were king of the forest…

Not Queen, Not Duke, Not Prince.

The Cowardly Lion and I have a lot in common today. I don’t feel like I have the courage to belong. Courage, confidence; the words are pseudo-synonymous. I meet people in real life, online, at work and in social settings. Sometimes, I’m cool and collected – really feel like I have my shit together and that people understand what I’m saying and relate to me. But, other times, MOST of the time, I feel that I’m still an awkward teenage girl wearing braces and a ton of zits going “uhhhhhh, yeah, great, ummmmm sure *insert awkward phrase of what I might be trying to say here*.”

It’s as if I never learned any type of social interaction and I’m the prototypical geek that needs to be gawked at as the cool kids walk down the hallway. This happens a lot more frequently when I interact with someone new that I completely admire. It’s a small case of idol worship because when I respect someone on that level, it’s because they have some sort of attribute that I’m working toward obtaining. And, until I get to my goal, I don’t think of myself of being worthy in their presence. Even if it’s in a simple online chat session.

Maybe I try too hard to impress them, though that’s not my intent. I instinctively feel that I am not worthy of them even looking at me, let alone even talking to me. I’m honored that they would take time out of THEIR life to even acknowledge that I exist. I know that this sort of revelation belongs more in a therapy session than a blog, but putting it out there for the universe to read makes it become less of a barrier and more of something that I can overcome. You can send me your bill later.

The good, the bad and the ugly…

I went to the doctor last week for my allergies/sinus. I shan’t go into the details because they include snot and gore. But, he also decided to send me to a couple other specialists for some known and newly discovered conditions.

The good:

I went to a chiropractor today about my back, the whole spondylolisthesis thingy going on in my spine. Well, we’re going to try physical therapy to help with muscles to ease the pain…yada yada yada. But, yay for the therapy. I’ll explain the alternative in the ugly. He was greatly encouraged by my weight loss since that helps relieve pressure on my back and yippy dippy do, I have more happy pills to deal with the pain. One day I’ll take a pic of my medicine cabinet, it’s a treasure trove of fun.

The bad:

Well, my sinuses are junked up. After Vegas I’ll be meeting with an ENT for my schnoz. There appears to be a high probability that I’m going to be getting a nose job due to my Deviated Septum. FUN TIMES! But, they said that due to the way my nose is shaped that there could be some changes made to my appearance. I would like to avoid that because I’m kind of fond of the length and bridge of my nose, I’d only want the tip messed with – less round and all. If it’s deemed that they have to mess with my bridge, I’m only going to let the best mess with my face. I see many nose consultations in my future!

The ugly:

If the therapy on my back doesn’t work out – which I have an inkling it won’t since this will be my FOURTH round of physical therapy in nine years – surgery is the solution. BUT only when the pain gets to the point where I can’t function. My plan is to function for as long as possible people. The nose surgery does not scare me. Back surgery scares the SHIT out of me. I can get a new nose, but I can’t get a new spine. I have yet to see a Spine-Mart or a Spines R Us pop up on every street corner. So, I’m going to give therapy another college try. Wish me luck.

Working for the weekend…

I had a BLAST this past weekend. But, I have no pictures. BAD JEN! BAD! Deborah, my best friend from graduate school flew in from dreary Philadelphia to spend time in dreary Houston. We didn’t catch a break on the weather because it poured every afternoon. Deb’s one of those lovely girly girls, she melts when it rains but with umbrella in hand she survived. Also, my best friend from Memphis, Jennifer and her hubby came down on Saturday for lunch. Lots of great people to hang out with, I couldn’t have been a happier social butterfly.

So, to give you a brief synopsis – let’s see – we did: A museum tour on Rome, watched fish on an IMAX in 3-D, walked around the big mall down the street, did some financial damage to my bank account, and ATE, ATE, ATE! We went out for every meal because Deb and Jenn both enjoy good food. And, Houston happens to have a LOT of it. Yeah, I probably put on a pound of flesh from all the divine tastes but it was worth it. Especially this small restaurant called Ibiza. The food was to die for. Especially the gazpacho. And the Moroccan shrimp. Oh, and the bread pudding…mmmm…bread pudding.

Deb and I also played a lot on the Wii because we needed to work off two or three or 5000 of the calories we ingested. B and I have had the Wii since December (when I accidentally got lucky by walking into Target at just the right time) but we really haven’t used it. This weekend we used it. I’m now a Pro level Wii Bowler, thank-you-very-much. Bow to my video game bowling prowess.

Now, I am back at work and facing another three weeks of travel. One week I get the pleasure of flying THREE TIMES! Thankfully, the last time will be for my vacay to Vegas!

Weigh (week 12) in review…

Okay, to say I’m ecstatic, is SUCH an understatement. I wish you guys were here with me as I restrain myself from running up and down the hallways at work. Today, is my best weigh in since my first week of being on Weight Watchers.

I knew I had lost weight because I had been fighting off the pastry cravings while on the client site. I’d take a bite of the fresh product and throw the rest the pastry a way. I know, it’s a waste of a perfectly good food but I also like how my clothes have been fitting. And, I love the whole smaller sizes that are going into my closet. But I won’t keep you in suspense any longer – also, I can’t contain myself.

I lost 4.2lbs! All the walking around in North Carolina paid off in a HUGE way. I would say it’s because I was sick but I still ate, I never really lost my appetite. So, total weight loss is 20.4lbs. Please excuse me while I do a dance in my cubicle.

EDIT: I just realized that I never posted my goal…which I won’t give in weight but I’m feeling like another 30-40lbs should be exiting my frame before I say that I’m sated.

You’re it…

Okay, the people I think may play the eight random facts game are:

– Kristen at Dine and Dish Square Space
– The fabulous Jocelyn . I dream to be able to walk into her closet and just gawk at the great clothes.
– Racheal, but we’ll forgive her if she takes a bit. She’s off doing the whole getting married affair.
– Marce and her fabu fair are something but let’s try to learn more about the authoress.

And anyone else that wants to join in. Right now, me and my Ambien are going to cuddle with B and the pillow.

You like me (8 random facts meme)…

You really like me. Or, Abigail of couldn’t think of anyone else to tag with a meme. (I guess it’s sad to say that this is my first meme tag and DAMMIT I feel special.) Maybe I should have saved that one for one of the eight facts you don’t know about me.

1. My second toe is longer than my big toe and supposedly indicates that I have a dominate personality. NOW DO WHAT I SAY! Oh, wait, that’s against my character. But, it kind of felt good.

2. I have a weird back condition that I’ll probably misspell: spondyletheisis (Correct spelling: Spondylolisthesis). Just means that my back is royally messed up because genetics and people who run stop signs.

3. When I go into the bathroom, I have to reach in and turn the light on before I enter the bathroom. Ever since I was in elementary school and I was exposed to the urban legend Bloody Mary, I can’t go into an unlit potty chamber. AND if I have to go into a bathroom to turn on the light, I refuse to look into any reflective surfaces.

4. If someone whips out a camera at a party, I’m the first to stand behind someone who can cover my thighs. Or my face. Okay, I go into the witness protection program until said camera is put away and I feel safe that no one is going to capture my image. All photo ops have to go through my publicist. Wait, I don’t have a publicist.

5. I am a car freak. Or, I should say that I am a car freak who needs to polish up on the current automotive trends. Remember Mona Lisa Vito from My Cousin Vinnie? I have been called the real life version of her. Though without her fabulous body.

6. I love to get pedicures and keep my toesies polished but I hate having nail polish on my fingers. A manicure on me will last 24 hours, if I’m lucky. I start to chip away the polish about an hour after it’s dry. JUST CAN’T STAND IT.

7. When I reach my goal of losing weight, I’m getting a hell of a lot of plastic surgery done. I should start a “Fix My Butt” fund and see if I can get the internet to pay for my work. Then, maybe I can go to Dr. Linda Li to do my whole body suction.

8. My dream job would to able to wrap presents for a living. I love it. When Christmas, birthdays or special occasions come around I think about the person, present and the wrapping THEME. I’ve been told that I kick Martha Stewart’s booty when it comes to wrapping. I have yet to find a way to turn this hobby into a successful livelihood. But, I will!

Come back to see who I’ve tagged – if I can think of people to tag due through the medicated fog – then I’ll post them here. Until then, I’m taking Jocelyn’s advice and I’m going to put more drugs into my body, pass out and go to the doctor in the morning.

My tissues runneth over…

I’m getting better and I have NyQuil on an IV drip. I’m grateful to it’s sister product, DayQuil, for actually showing up to work today. Saturday through Monday must’ve been it’s day off and I didn’t get a copy of the schedule.

I did get my fill of the American Idol finale. I have to say peeps, I’m disappointed by this season after the whole “He shall not be named” incident. I may have to retire my dorky addiction to show. Sad but true.

But, on the happiest, sappiest note of all – I go home tomorrow! If I’m still sick, I’m crawling into bed and longingly look at B. Then, I’ll ask him to pass me the tissues. As he will (per B).

I should’ve…

Taken my vitamins, because my immune system is on strike! Allergens are on the warpath. The battle is in my body. Specifically, my nose, ears, eye and throat. Of course I’m traveling for work. I’ve been to a grocery store once and the drug store twice just to counteract the germs. You’d think that I’d be able to out smart them for five minutes but they are devious! They seem to know what’s coming.

And to top it all off, my right contact decided to join the immune system strike. Long story short – I’m now in glasses and I might be in glasses until I can determine that the contact is sufficiently disinfected. And, this would be the one time that Girlscout Jen is NOT prepared for all situations. I am glad that I did pack my glasses.

Gray hair…

Does this mean I’m getting old? I just realized that my ten year high school reunion should be any minute now. Yes, I’m going to mention the, “I can’t believe it’s been that long” speech. Because I can’t. Time, it’s a flyin’. I know that I’m not the same girl that I was back in 1997. Heck, I’m not even a girl anymore, she only gets to come out to play when I’m with people that I’m really comfortable with and trust. But, I still have some of her fears, loathings and self-consciousness. Just a tad, not a lot. Do we ever shake it?

I haven’t really kept up with a lot of people from High School. I’ve seen some in passing when I return home and all exclaim about my outwardly changes. Even when I started this last round of weight loss, I’m still much smaller than they last saw me – waddling across the graduation stage. They weren’t the nicest people, I wasn’t that nice back. To state that I was socially awkward doesn’t even come close to my social ineptitude. I didn’t experience the same maturing, in ways I surpassed them and in others I dallied far behind. Yeah, I was a mathalete and a brainiac. Math didn’t give me the issues that I lead the teachers to believe, I just didn’t want to put forth the effort for the teachers I felt were against me. I had a few issues with them as well. But, I know all of the events that occurred in High School is a big part in what I am today. Part of my accomplishments, for a lack of better words, is a big “fuck you” to all of those people.

If it wasn’t for those kids that called me wide load, lard ass, thunder thighs or elephant ass, I wouldn’t have lost 80lbs – now 70lbs but hell that’s a damn good accomplishment. If it wasn’t for my chemistry, math and spanish teacher, I probably wouldn’t have gone for my MBA and MA.

Now, don’t get me wrong, High School didn’t completely suck. I had a fabulous communications teacher who really showed that she believed in me, no matter what size I was. She’s the one who provided the opportunity for me to meet President Clinton when he was running for his second term which opened a few doors that lead to me winning a few awards and even got a free trip to New York City – though I don’t recommend putting a fat girl on the jumbotron in Times Square, it ain’t purty.

Now, ten years later, I’m proud of who I’ve become. I’m so glad that I was able to become more than my High School self. I like who I am as a person and I hold my head up high when I walk. I don’t know if I’ll go to my ten year reunion, I’m on the fence. Yeah, I would love to prance in there going, “Look at my butt! Look at my SO MUCH SMALLER BUTT!” but that’s not the real purpose of this event. Or, maybe it is.

I’d love to hear from you guys, whether you went to your reunions or not…or if you’ll be attending.

Weigh (week nine and ten) in review…

Okay, last week was only down .2lbs. Not crying, whining or feeling sorry for myself. A loss is a loss.

Now on to week 10! Well, before we get to the gain or loss let’s talk about clothes and a little background. When I was a little girl, wee high to gnats knee, I had a misconception. I thought that the bigger someone was the older that person became. Everyone who was bigger than me was older so in my mind that wasn’t flawed logic. So, I started eating because eating made you bigger. Well, my eating also made me sadder. I wasn’t like all the other kids due to my getting so much bigger than them. By the time I reached the eighth grade I was a size 18. I skipped all the skinny sizes and headed straight into plus size.

Now, plus size in the eighth grade consisted of all OLD LADY clothes. Stores hadn’t realized that there was a whole market of girls looking for fashionable plus size wear. Nah, we could wear polyester for our eating sins. By the time I graduated high school, I was frumpy and a size 22. TWENTY-TWO!

Even after losing weight the last time on Weight Watchers, I wasn’t in the pants I’m wearing now. I got my booty into a Gap (yeah, I know they ain’t cool but I’m not shelling out for the jeans until I hit goal weight – ahhh Paper and Denim, come to Mama!) size 14! There is no W for women’s attached. No, siree babo! Now, I realize by Hollywood standards, I’m still a whale. Thankfully, I live in Texas, where everything is bigger but me!

Please ignore the mess in the background. I had recently unpacked and thrown things around and no, I didn’t make the bed. You don’t know how much it takes for me to post a full body photo on the internet. Oh, in other news, I’m down another .6lbs. I’ll take it after eating out all week and not really being able to exercise.